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This page deals with family, friends and dating.
Your doctor has told you you need ostomy surgery, or maybe you've had an ostomy for a little while, and you've got questions! Who do you ask? Where do you turn? No problem, I've got ya covered! Speaking from my personal experience and several years of talking to kids, teens and older folks, I've got the scoop on how to deal with just about any situation.
My name is Courtney Francoeur, I'm 20 years old and in my second year as a psychology major at the University of Western Ontario in London. On March 3, 1999, at the age of 15, I had to have a subtotal colectomy with a temporary ileostomy because of Ulcerative Colitis. My journey continues in May of 2004 when I'll have my ileostomy reversed into a J-pouch. Through experience, a positive attitude and appreciation for life, through trial and error, and by talking to other people, I learned how to cope and succeed with my ostomy, and I'd like to pass along some of my advice.
How to Reach Me
If you have any more questions, please feel free to contact me either by email at
or by posting a note to me in the discussion forum. If you post your note in the discussion forum, people all over the world will also get the chance to benefit from your question. But if you don't feel comfortable posting it to the public, just email me personally. I check my email and the discussion board almost daily, so you'll get a quick response. Can't wait to chat. Best wishes and remember ... never keep your poop to yourself! 
Hi! My name is Nicole Dodds. I'm 12 years old and in Grade 7. On June 26, 2003, at the age of 11, I had to have an ileostomy because of Crohn's Disease and Ulcera- tive Colitis. If you like, you can learn more about me and my journey by reading my personal story, which can be found in the Young Ostomates section of this site.
Through personal experience and the support of my family, I learned how to cope and succeed with my ostomy, and I'd like to pass along some of my advice. On April 24, 2004, I became a certified visitor in LDOA's Patient Visiting Program, and I look forward to helping kids who are new or about-to-be ostomates adjust to this new stage in life.
• FAQ added February 10, 2004
• FAQ updated April 24, 2004
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How do I explain my ostomy to my siblings? |
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Courtney • This is a little more difficult than friends because friends tend to be around the same age as you. Older siblings aren't bad because they have an easier time understanding the surgery and your ostomy. On the other hand, younger siblings have a harder time understanding what it is – my 3-year old brother still calls my ostomy my diaper! LOL Depending on their age, you may want to sit down and explain it to them with your parents. Some children cannot comprehend no matter how much you try to explain it to them. It may help showing them what it is. Mostly you have to explain to them that they can't hit your abdomen anymore or that they have to try to be a little more careful around your tummy.   |
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Do I tell my friends about my ostomy? |
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Courtney • That's completely up to you. If you're OK telling your friends, then that's awesome. If you would rather not tell them, that's cool, too. I would tell close friends you can trust. Me, on the other hand, I tell everyone and that's awesome, too! This all depends on your comfort level and how openly you can talk with your friends. I recommend telling people you hang around with a lot, just in case there's ever an emergency or you develop a blockage or something.
Nicole • Personally, I didn’t tell any of my friends. I’m in Grade 7 and kids my age can be very cruel and will turn their backs on you just because you’re different. I’m not going to take a chance on any of my friends turning their backs on me. At this point, I’m not ready to make the commitment of telling anyone outside of my family that I’m unsure about. The people I've met through LDOA are like me, and I can talk to them and ask questions at the meetings because everyone either has an ostomy or someone in their family does. |
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How much do I tell my friends about my ostomy? |
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Courtney • Depends on how close you are to your friends. Casual friends don’t need to know as much. This also depends on how comfortable you feel telling people about your ostomy. It's your personal choice, although personally, I have never received a bad response from telling someone. People have always said to me, "Cool, wish I could choose when I get to go poop." This was the total opposite reaction I thought I would receive. I thought I would be an outcast or considered weird but, on the contrary, I was still the same person and everyone kept forgetting I had an ostomy. Some of my closest friends still forget I have it because I never let it affect me or interfere with my life. |
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What do I do if someone wants to see my pouch? |
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Courtney • This is kind of the same as if you want to tell them about your ostomy or not. This one's completely up to you! If you feel comfortable enough, that's cool. I don’t show too many people – I tell them, but I don’t show them, unless it was someone in my family, a boyfriend, or close friends. Most people are happy with you just telling them about it and don’t necessarily want to see it. |
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What do I do when I'm dating someone? |
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Courtney • I suggest you try to be open with someone you're dating pretty much from the start. Plus, in case something ever happened to you, they would know what was going on and could get you to help. Telling a guy that I like is one of the hardest things I had to learn how to do, but it has never interfered with me getting to know some of the most awesome people. I figure if you really like the person and they like you, then there's no reason why your ostomy should get in the way. If someone you're dating can see past your ostomy, then that person is truly a good person to be around – most of the time! LOL |
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Will I still be able to have sex? |
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Courtney • Yes you will, however, a lot of people are not comfortable with their ostomy and their body afterwards. So this may put a little inse- curity on you feeling comfortable around the other person. An ostomy doesn’t affect your sexual organs and therefore will not interfere with your sex life in that way. The main problem would be your comfort level or the comfort level of your partner. Remember, the ostomy is just an extention of what used to be internal, and it shouldn't give you any problems during sex. |
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What do I do with my pouch when I want to have sex? |
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Courtney • Most people wonder what to do with the pouch! If you don’t want your pouch to show, then you can buy underwear that hides the pouch (good for guys and girls) or the girls can buy nifty nighties that have "tuck away" pockets sewn in them and still look sexy. Guys can wear cummerbund type coverings, which goes around the midsection and the pouch can be tucked out of the way. Regardless, your pouch should always be emptied beforehand (unless the sex is totally spontaneous), clean and neat, fastened securely or tucked out of the way to prevent the "pendulum swing" motion and, if possible, wear an opaque pouch rather than a transparent one. If you don't have any opaque pouches handy but you do have a pouch cover, then wear that. Nevertheless, you'll figure out what works best for you and your partner and, eventu- ally, having an ostomy and having sex will become a non-issue. Honest! |
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